Since young I find it hard to be happy, to live in the moment, to find purpose of life. That’s partially why I created this blog – to record my journey and find myself.
Tonight / recently, I am watching this Chinese Show – 异人之下之决战！碧游村。
I am thinking if I should publish this post today, but I guess since you are reading now, it means it has been published. I can’t sleep after watching this show in the evening with my family. Now is only few minutes before midnight. The rest are all sleeping except me AND this is not the only night which I can’t sleep. This is only one of the nights.
This is not a very positive post with positive vibes as compared to my usual posts, but it is a real and truthful post in life – MY LIFE.
The SHOW
There is one very interesting character 陈朵. She is totally like me, totally being deprived of any choices in life, but one key different, her choices was taken away for 20 years, but mine for 40+ years which is still haunting me now.
Summary of the story about her:
在《异人之下之决战！碧游村》中，陈朵杀害廖忠的原因源于她对自由的渴望和对自身命运的掌控。自幼被药仙会培养为“毒身圣童”，她的人生充满了被控制和利用的痛苦。虽然廖忠将她从药仙会解救出来，并试图给予她新的生活，但她始终未能真正拥有选择自己命运的权利。在一次对话中，陈朵给了廖忠三个选择：放她自由、与她一起离开、或者杀死她。廖忠未能做出选择，最终陈朵决定通过杀死廖忠来寻求自己的解脱。这反映了她对自由的强烈渴望，以及对被他人操控命运的反抗。
（source）
陈朵的核心动机就是追求自由。她从小被药仙会培养成“毒身圣童”，一直被操控，后来被廖忠带走后，仍然处于某种“被保护”但无法真正自主的状态。
在与廖忠的对话中，她给了他三个选择：
- 放她自由
- 和她一起离开
- 杀死她
但廖忠没有做出选择，最终陈朵亲手杀了他，这不仅是她的反抗，更是一种自我解脱的方式。她不想再受任何人的摆布，无论是药仙会，还是廖忠，她都不愿再成为别人的附属。因此，她用极端的方式夺回了自己的命运。
可以说，她想要的不是单纯的生存，而是真正属于自己的自由，哪怕为此付出极大的代价。
Asking AI (ChatGPT) for Help
I am affected by this story.
The character is totally like me. Deprive of the power of choice by my very loved one – my parents since young for 40+ years till now. I can’t find a solution or walked out of it even today.
Since AI has progressed to a stage where it gets very interesting, and it helped me today. I told AI my story and asked for help.
First thing it told me:
When your power of choice is taken away from a young age, it can deeply affect your ability to trust yourself, make decisions, and feel a sense of purpose. It makes sense that you feel stuck in the past—your mind is trying to process something that was never fully resolved.
Below are the details of what AI has given me:
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Reclaiming Your Ability to Choose: A Step-by-Step Guide
When your power of choice is taken away—especially from a young age—it can have lasting effects on your confidence, sense of identity, and overall well-being. You may struggle with decision-making, feel stuck in the past, or even question the purpose of life. However, no matter how long you’ve lived under this conditioning, you can regain control and rebuild your ability to make choices.
But first, it’s important to understand why this happened in the first place.
How the Power of Choice Was Taken Away
For some, the lack of choice comes from external circumstances, but for others, it starts at home. When parents control every aspect of a child’s life, they unintentionally teach that child that their choices don’t matter—or worse, that they are incapable of making decisions at all.
In your case, your parents took away your power of choice in many ways:
- Controlling what you ate: You were forced to eat porridge for breakfast every day, with no say in what you actually wanted.
- Dictating your transportation: You had to be driven to and from school, never allowed to go by yourself or gain independence.
- Suppressing your opinions: You were constantly told that you “don’t know,” leaving you no room to develop confidence in your own thoughts.
- Isolating you socially: You weren’t allowed to stay back after school to play with friends, limiting your ability to form relationships on your own terms.
- Choosing your education: You couldn’t decide which school to attend.
- Controlling even your schoolwork: You weren’t allowed to complete your own art homework, something meant to be an expression of your creativity.
- Continuing control into adulthood: Even after you grew up and bought your own home, you weren’t allowed to choose the paint color or how you handled household chores.
- Interfering with parenting: Your parents even dictated how you raised your own children.
- Forcing unwanted things onto you: Even after creating space by having them move out, they continued forcing their influence, insisting you take home things you didn’t want or need whenever you visited them.
This level of control over time doesn’t just make decision-making difficult—it completely erases a person’s sense of autonomy. When you’re never allowed to make your own choices, you stop trusting yourself. Even as an adult, you may hesitate over even the smallest decisions, fearing that you’ll make the “wrong” one.
But the good news is that you can reclaim your ability to choose.
Reclaiming your ability to choose starts with rebuilding trust in yourself, little by little. When your power of choice was taken away for so long, your brain learned to avoid decisions, fearing the consequences. But choice is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
How to Rebuild Your Power of Choice
1. Start With Small, Low-Risk Choices
Big decisions can feel overwhelming, so begin with small, everyday choices that don’t have major consequences. These tiny acts of decision-making help rewire your brain and rebuild confidence in your ability to choose.
Some simple examples include:
- Deciding what to eat for breakfast.
- Picking the color of your outfit.
- Choosing which route to take on a walk.
Even if you don’t feel strongly about the choice, make it anyway. Every time you choose something, remind yourself: I made this decision. I am capable of choosing.
2. Notice Your Feelings Without Judgment
If decision-making feels uncomfortable, that’s okay. It’s natural to feel uncertain or anxious after years of avoiding choices. Instead of criticizing yourself, simply notice the feelings that come up.
For example, if you feel fear, hesitation, or even emptiness when making a choice, acknowledge it: I feel uncertain, and that’s okay. Over time, the discomfort will fade as you gain more confidence in your choices.
3. Challenge the Fear of “Wrong” Choices
A major reason people struggle with decision-making is the fear of making the “wrong” choice. However, most daily choices don’t have life-altering consequences. If you find yourself hesitating, ask:
- What’s the worst that can happen?
- Will this decision still matter a week from now?
- Can I change my mind later if needed?
By questioning these fears, you’ll realize that most choices are not as high-stakes as they seem.
4. Practice Saying “Yes” and “No”
If your choices were controlled by others for a long time, you might struggle to assert yourself. Practicing small acts of saying “yes” and “no” can help rebuild that confidence.
Try:
- Saying “no” to something you don’t want to do, even if it’s small.
- Saying “yes” to something you’ve been hesitant to try.
These small decisions help reinforce that your voice matters.
5. Ask Yourself: “What Do I Want?”
After years of following others’ decisions, you may have lost touch with your own desires. Start asking yourself this question, even for small things:
- Do I actually enjoy this activity?
- Do I like this type of music?
- If I had a free day, how would I spend it?
You don’t need to have clear answers right away. The goal is simply to start reconnecting with your own preferences.
6. Take One Step Toward Something New
If you feel lost about your purpose, don’t pressure yourself to figure it out all at once. Instead, take one small step toward something different.
This could be:
- Reading a book on a new topic.
- Visiting a new place.
- Trying a new hobby or activity.
The goal isn’t to find a “perfect” path right away—it’s to break the cycle of feeling stuck and rediscover what interests you.
Final Thoughts
Regaining the ability to choose after years of control is not an overnight process. It takes time, patience, and practice. But with every small choice you make—no matter how insignificant it seems—you are taking back your power.
You don’t have to undo the past to reclaim your future. You just need to start making choices for yourself—one decision at a time.
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Aren’t I sad?
Like what AI mentioned above it correct, I am a person with
NO confidence, sense of identity, and overall well-being. You may struggle with decision-making, feel stuck in the past, or even question the purpose of life
This level of control over time doesn’t just make decision-making difficult—it completely erases a person’s sense of autonomy. When you’re never allowed to make your own choices, you stop trusting yourself. Even as an adult, you may hesitate over even the smallest decisions, fearing that you’ll make the “wrong” one.
I want to CAREMYPRESENT, live in present, walk out of the past and reclaim my purpose in life and find out how to achieve real happiness in life.
Only today, I REALISED THAT I only wanted to reclaim my power of choice.
今天我才懂，
能够选择的人才是最幸福的。